Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Giving up

What does it mean to you? I would imagine it means a lot of different things to different people. I have seen a lot of recent talk from IBD afflicted individuals concerning giving up were the intonation is suicide or wasting away. They talk about giving up their life. Anyone that has been through what many of us are going through would have to be made of stone physically and mentally to not have thought in this manner at least once. I am not going to lie, ending my own life was a thought that has crossed my mind more than once in the distant past. Pain, suffering, and harsh criticism my unknowing people can lead us there. There were two realizations I had in my life that changed my definition of "giving up."

The first swift kick in the ass I received that gave me greater perspective was when I started Remicade. Remicade was administered in the oncology ward and I was able to see many other people that were also receiving infusions. Their infusions were taking eight to twelve hours to administer compared to my paltry three to four hour drip. These people were actually dying in front of me from cancer and other unknown diseases. They were out of energy like me, but they were happy and positive. The lynch pin was when a five year old girl going through chemo got out of her chair after her infusion and started playing. How could these people be stronger than me?

The second realization for me was that sometimes giving up means giving up more than initially intended. In other words, certain things are tied together. The epiphany was that giving up was a conscious decision to remove something from this world that impacted my life. The times I wanted to give up on my life made me think about the fact that I would also have to give up my family and friends. I really didn't want to give up either of those things. With that in mind I decided to give up items that didn't actively bring something positive to my life or items that damaged my body. I must admit that giving up singular items is much easier than giving up pluralistic ones. 

In the end, I did give up. Just not in the manner that everyone assumes when using that phrase.

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